Journal # 8 - "Free Write"

Why do the easiest things have to be so hard? At least, that's what ignoring someone should be like. It should be easy, nothing to it. You simply just do not talk with the person. And yet, with you, it's the hardest thing I can do. Everything you do makes me want to talk to you, to not ignore you anymore. The way you stand there, the way you act so effortlessly, the way you keep your cool even though your boiling over inside, and most of all, the way you look at me.
I don't enjoy not talking to you, but you brought this upon yourself. Yeah, I'm blaming you. Our relationship was short-lived, maybe could have been longer. Would have been longer if you hadn't of cheated on me while I was on vacation. Maybe if you had of talked things out with me, let you know how you were feeling, things would have been alright. But, of course, that didn't happen. None of it did. You rather do things your own way.
I could have easily understood. But, the thing is, you didn't give me a chance to, at all. No, you decided to sleep with her and then start to date her, leaving no room in that equation for me. Point blank, you hurt me. A lot. Chewed me up, spit me out and left me there.
The worst thing about all of this is the way I feel about you. How I feel about you right now. Every time I see you, every time I think about you, there's this crazy surge of energy that runs through me. My heart races, and I get insanely nervous. Right now, all I can chalk it up to is attraction. There's a crazy attraction between us that is making me go crazy, every time I see you.
And you can't deny that you don’t feel it as well. I know you do. There's something about the way you look at me that just tells me that you know there's something there. You wont admit it, but I know you know it. Why else would you look at me that way?
Can you just help me please? Explain to me what is going on? Why it is that whenever I look at you, I get nervous and my heart races? Why it is that when I see you, all I can think is, "Oh shit, I can't do this?" What is going on between us, if anything? Maybe I'm just crazy, but then again, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just crazy for falling for you, all over again.