Journal # 4 - Free Write

People change. All the time. And, it's really annoying that you can't seem to see that. What does it matter that you don't see it, anyways? It's not like you would understand it, or accept it, accept who I've become. If I were to tell you the truth about half the things I want to, you wouldn't understand. You see, the problem is that you see me for who I used to be. The girl who always went to class. The girl who always did her homework. The one who was always on time. The girl who stayed away from drugs and alcohol. The girl who never got into trouble. Well, sorry to say, but, I'm not that girl anymore. Now, that's not to say I've changed entired. There is still a bit of that girl in me. Some things have changed, yes, but some things have stayed the same. How have I changed, you may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you. This is my one time of telling everything, so listen close.
It all started with labels. I was sick and tired of hearing the same old label. The label people had made for me: the good one. So, I decided to change that. Decided it was time for a change. Some of the changes I made were for the better, some, not so much. In the end though, it all comes down to one thing: personal choice. Somewhere along the line, I just stopped caring about things so much. I began skipping classes, not doing my work, my grades started slipping, but I didn't care. Friendships began to falter because of this lack of caring. Did that stop me? Not one bit. Truthfully, it inspired me. Inspired me to do what I want, and not care what others think. Those friendships that faltered? Well, they weren't real friendships. Had they been, those friends would still be in my life, supporting my choices, no matter what they may be. So, I found a new group of friends. A group that supports me in what I do, listens to me, jokes with me, and best of all, doesn't judge me. Now, this group of friends is a lot different from the friends I was used to. I have always been used to hanging out with people like me, 'the good ones.' This was all new terriotory to me, and at first, it was a little terrifying. But, it was a place I fit in. They accepted me, and I accpeted them. Hanging out with this group of friends, I picked uo some 'bad' habits off them. Skipping class, smoking, drinking, sneaking out, saying what I want. Now, most would consider these as bad, horrible habits. Me? I see it as a way of life; a lifestyle. One that I am now involved in. Does this make me a bad person? I don't think so. It's the lifestyle I chose and you are just going to have to accept that. If you can't accept that, then I geuss, its over?
I want to reveal this change to you. I truly do. It's a change that I am completely comfortable with and enjoy. I am just scared of what you may think of me. I try my best to not care what people think of me, but, with you, it's different. I care what you think, a lot. I thinking it may be because I care about you a lot, and I dont want to lose our friendship. But, should friendship be laced with a lie? Should I have to watch what I say around you, what I do around you? I really dont want to, but I feel I have to. You've never been the kind of person to accept change easily. Your beliefs are strong and you stick with them, and I respect that about you. The thing is though, I go against your beliefs. I have become a very different person than who I used to be, and I want you to know, that even though I have changed, I am still the same Kayla. The one that you know and love, just with a few extra kinks now. Please accpt that.

* I think I may have went off on a bit of a bit of a tangent, but, it was what is on my mind right now.